Kentucky Sports Radio
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Let’s do this thing…
It’s nearly upon us, gentleman. We are only a few short weeks away from that sweet, sweet last Sunday in August that we’ve dreamed about through these long, muggy days of summer. It’s exactly 26 days until the pigskin makes its first regular season appearance for the Cats and, more importantly, it means that tailgating season has officially begun. If you want to assure yourself of an Andre Woodson-like breakout performance this tailgating season, then you need to make sure to follow these rules:
1. If you’re going to drink, then drink like a man Don’t confuse this as me condoning the consumption of mass amounts of alcohol (but if it’s the excuse you are looking for, then feel free). I am simply saying that if you choose to take part in adult libations as part of your pre-game festivities, then make sure you let your testosterone do the decision-making. There will be no drinking of colored beverages such as cranberry and vodkas, margaritas or hootch of any kind. You will drink beer or you will drink bourbon. Hey, feel free to even throw in a little rum now and again, so long as its dark. And when you drink beer, it will not be an import. It will be domestic and it will be heavy. The cheaper the better.
2. Do not treat a tailgate as a fashion show Dude, I dont care how many people told you those plaid pants were cool when they were hanging on the shelf at J. Crew. They aren’t. And they sure as hell aren’t appropriate for a football tailgate. You wear your team colors. If you need to wear a tie for reasons beyond your control (you’re still a pledge you little b***h), then wear some blue for God’s sakes. If you are trying to make a fashion statement at a tailgate, this might not be your kind of get-together. Try soccer.
3. Sunglasses are a must This is the essential part of your tailgating attire, and not because your future is so bright. The fine Kentucky females will be out in full force with their skirts, their short shorts and the only good thing to come of mixing women and sports - the form fitting football jersey. And unless you want to be labeled the perv with the creepy stare, I’d scoop a pair of shades.
4. Man the grill With emphasis on “man”. Grilling out at a tailgate is not necessary, but just like hitting on your sister’s friends, what’s the harm in trying? The most important thing to remember, though, if you decide to undertake such a mission is that you better be serving beef only - preferably in the form of burgers and dogs. No grilled chicken*. No fish. And for God’s sakes Emeril, no grilled veggies. If John Wayne wouldn’t eat it, then it’s not acceptable.
5. Don’t embarrass yourself Even though it might seem cool at the time, that hot chick from your psychology class doesn’t want to hear about how you always find yourself staring at her in class, and she isn’t going to be impressed by you spelling your name on the driveway with your urine. And your friends little sister? Let’s just say she isn’t going to find your vulgar comments charming, especially through your beer burps. So enjoy yourself in moderation and do your best to remain a classy gentleman for the most part. After all, you aren’t a Louisville fan.
*A recent discussion over these rules has resulted in an amendment that grilled chicking will be acceptable as long as you are not the one eating it and it increases your chances of doing the horizontal mambo. No other excuses are accepted.
Please note: These rules are not necessarily the views of anyone associated with this site. Except me. I’ll endorse them…and pray that the others jump on board.
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August 5th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Rule #6 - buy all your meats from Boone’s
August 5th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I’m Tricky Dicky, and I approve this message.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
UK tailgate =Old Milfunkys Best Ice, check. Nati Ice, check. Khaki shorts, check. Team color shirt, and or hat, check. UL tailgate= Line beard, check. Cubic zerconia on male thats to old to wear, check. Plaid shorts, or jorts, check. UL hat from gas station, check. UL crocs, check.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
#3- rule 2a: jorts are unacceptable on everyone except josh harrellson
August 5th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
WAIT A MINUTE…………….Hot wings are unacceptable????? Simply unbelievable…… An ammendment to the constitution should read : HOT wings are acceptable, if and only if, they are hot enough to strip your stomach of it’s lining.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Where is the rule that you must try and sneak a pint of beam into Commonwealth?
August 5th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
i dont consider wings and grilled chicken one and the same. wings are not ony acceptable, they’re encouraged.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
What about sourkraut? Does that fall into the condiments category? Surely cooking kraut is ok?
August 5th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Classic!!- If you need to wear a tie for reasons beyond your control (you’re still a pledge you little b***h), then wear some blue for God’s sakes.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Rule #6 - There must be one token drunk man to continuously start the C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS cheer over and over.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
How about pork? That includes ribs… Not a lot of thought went into the meat portion of that entry did it???
August 5th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Although 5.9%NattyIce, and 5.9%ole milfunky ice is fine cheap beer, nothing compares to 8.1% Steel Reserve. Unless your in the bible belt then they dilute it down to 6.0. Still higher than the ice beers.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I take severe issue with rule #5. Its totally appropriate to embarass yourself at every tailgate if not mandatory. I duno maybe its just because my futures so bright but, I think you probably broke everyone of these rules in college dush.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
How about chilli and an abundance of Bud Light?
August 5th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Gotta love the “deep fried turkey” tailgate!
August 5th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Ribs, pork chops, pork loins, brats, come on man. Beef and Pork.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
A nice Beef Wellington is great at tailgates!
August 5th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I’m on board with this. Well done, sir.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
These must be the rules for a Big 10 tailgate or somewhere in the midwest. AND since when did dark rum become more “manly/acceptable” than vodka. Call me a commie but I would put money on a russian drinking vodka than some jamican sippin on a rum and coke. Clearly blogger had too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades. This checklist of rules reminds of tailgates with kegs where the throwers boast Budwieser but dont bring enough cups and their tap doesnt work.
Tailgating essentials in a nutshell - earlier the better. plenty of cold beer. booze. ice. an extra cooler. food that doesnt get soggy. a radio. a football. foldout chairs. good location. and a place to take a piss.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
WHEN SOUTH CAROLINA COMES TO TOWN WE BETTER ALL BE EATIN’ SOME CHICKEN!!!!!!!!
August 5th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Hey, isn’t Budweiser now considered an imported beer?!!!
August 5th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
The KR tailgating manifesto
Football
Fun
Family
August 6th, 2008 at 9:44 am
[...] Thomas Beisner from Kentucky Sports Radio brings the thunder with his tailgating manifesto: [...]
August 6th, 2008 at 10:24 am
something cant be imported if its manufactured here, moron. nice try on being clever. just because theyre foreign owned, huh? and im grilling chicken all damn day, and i might throw some corn in the husk on there too. wash it down with a beer, sit and get a BJ from some dumb sorority robot
August 6th, 2008 at 11:47 am
OK, thanks for clearing that up #24. So Toyotas that are made in the US aren’t considered imports but Fords made in Mexico are. Got it.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Let’s put it this way then - buy a Bud and see much of the money wing its way to Belgium…
August 6th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
#24. Nice try on being clever. Trying to emulate e e cummings doesn’t make you a poet though…
August 7th, 2008 at 3:51 am
[...] Thomas Beisner of Kentucky Sports Radio offers up his Tailgating Manifesto. [...]