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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Need-to-Know Wednesday: Billy Gillispie is CRAZY about basketball!


As you well know by now, the crack Need-to-Know team is nothing if not adept at in-depth research. While our methods may seem unconventional, we certainly get the job done.

Also, as you may or may not know, NTKW has had a mole in the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball office for quite some time. This source, who will remain nameless, has managed to remain secretive throughout the years by an elaborate series of false moustaches, sunglasses and oversized hats. This allows him full access to the most private of UK recruiting information, and likewise allows us to present it to you.

As of late, it can be agreed that no one can accuse our beloved Coach Billy Gillispie of being lazy on the recruiting trail; truly, there is no harder working man in Division I basketball. Always hustling for the greater good of the program, Coach Gillispie has been all over the country in secret meetings with potential recruits — and has, in the office, begun circulating a series of top secret memos concerning his recruiting leads. Our man in the office recently intercepted one of those very emails, which we present to you today. Enjoy. And you’re welcome.


Subject: Recruiting Weekly Update
To: Wildcat Coaches/Assistants
From: Gillispie, William C.


Now that I finally have the time this offseason to pursue future recruits for the organization, I’ve been doing some research on prospects for upcoming seasons. I’ll be sending you periodic check-ins on these players and expect you will follow up on these leads as well. Let’s find out what we can about the following recruits and thanks in advance.

Michael Avery
Age: 15
School: Ascension Lutheran Middle School
Coach’s Notes: 6 foot 4, great inside presence. I think this kid’s the real deal, and a commit from him was the best day of my life. Likes girls, Playstation. Best method of communication is by text message. Stay on him.

Katelyn So
Age: 7
School: Holy Mother Elementary; Eugene, Oregon
Coach’s Notes: Shows real possibility, tenacity. Though I haven’t seen her play basketball, her four square techniques indicate a tenacity of competition. Big on unicorns. It’s important to think to the future, where men and women’s basketball will be less segregated, important to plan ahead. Forward thinking will pay off!

Lil’ Bow Wow
Age: 14
School: Orange County School of Performing Arts
Coach’s Notes: Was watching HBO yesterday and saw some tape of this kid. He’s the real deal. Has even spent some time in the NBA but still has college eligibility. Also seems to own a pair of magic shoes. Make sure those come with him and stay protected at all costs. Likes rap (see if Ramel has any leads).

Stymie (last name?)
Age: 6
School: Chester Arthur Pre-School, 1937
Coach’s Notes: Someone sent me some footage. This kid is the tallest I’ve ever seen. I saw him wearing a trenchcoat and he was easily eleven feet tall. By that rationale, he should be about 22 feet by college age. A little wobbly, needs some tips for footwork. Someone get a contact name!

Plastic Man
Age: 25
School: None
Coach’s Notes: Haven’t seen him play but photos impressive. Non-traditional student, would need help acclimating, but worth it. Can stretch his arms up to thirty feet and juke defenders by snaking around them. Easily a go-to guy. Always wears sunglasses. May be special needs.

Picture of basketball player
Age: Unknown
School: Unknown
Coach’s Notes: From early images, recruit shows remarkable ability to fast break while dribbling. Lean, athletic. Old-school style. No loyalty to shoe brand (get him to a Nike camp!). Saw some artist renderings of what may be his mother and father. Look into this.

Flower Pot
Age: Two Weeks
School: Twin Cities Florists, MN
Coach’s Notes: Luckily, happened upon recruit during recent visit to Minneapolis. Growing fast, which shows promise. Direction, water may yield stronger results. Unresponsive as of yet, but I’m confident. Will fill the forward position I anticipate open by graduation of oscillating fan (see last week’s notes).


I don’t know about you guys, but the future looks bright. It’s nice to know Coach is on the job. Until next week, friends. And enjoy the following pair of classic sketches — two of the great ones, the first being my personal favorite sketch of all time (but beware some salty language).

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

64 responses to “Need-to-Know Wednesday: Billy Gillispie is CRAZY about basketball!”

  1. KentuckyEXCLAVE

    nice job

  2. GoCats

    Plastic man has already used up his eligibility. Wasn’t that Stacey Augmon from UNLV?

  3. PatPattersonISwalkingthruthatdoor

    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader
    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader
    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader
    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader
    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader
    Kentuckians for a Tipton-free Herald-Leader

  4. bluemeaway

    I would like to see picture of basketball player taking a jumper.

  5. Lee20ky

    TOO FUNNY!!!

  6. wildcatmatt

    ‘for I die, I’m gonna @#$% me a fish

  7. Behind Enemy Lines

    Great Work

  8. UKfaninAlabama

    Cannot believe that you left Air Bud off of that list.

  9. smiddy911

    Drop it. Yeah, yeah, we know you guys hate the fact Gillispie accepted the verbal from an 8th grader… Something new please.

  10. ConcreteCat

    This post unfortunately deems stupidity. The joke was over last week and everyone has beaten you to the punch. Let’s have some different news please!!!

    In other words we’ll have to wait at least 5 years to pass judgment on this subject…

  11. kykat51

    That is hilarious!

    I love Coach’s work ethic, both on and off the court.

  12. BravoBigBlue

    Not bad. Not bad.

  13. C-A-T-S

    LiL Bow Wow is already committed to USC, take him off the list

  14. KevininLoveland

    This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen on this site.
    Keep it up and this site will be irrelevant, if it isn’t already.

  15. kykat51

    ConcreteCat…Tomlin did stay true to “the most ridiculous manner possible”.

    Just not much new stuff out there right now for UK basketball, Coach dried it up for a few days lol.

  16. jim halpert

    Very funny…loved the videos too

  17. I Am Not Chris Robbins

    dumb dumb dumb boring….list goes on but not enough time.

  18. ukcatsfan2

    Boy, it’s really a slow news day…..

    I can’t believe I wasted that 5 minutes perrusing this junk!

  19. CAnTuckeeBoi

    13.) That’s lil romeo, Lil Bow Wow is about 20 now and has taken the LIL of his name but not of his height!!!! Dont think that one will pan out I do like Katelyn So though, sounds like there is some realy potential there.

  20. C-A-T-S

    #19 my bad, I get my “lil” mixed up

  21. Inside Info 35

    I hate to say it but I agree with 14. Making fun of our coach for recruiting to young is bad buissness. Some of You people dont like Tubbys way you dont like BCG way,Make up your freakin minds people. I guess some of you can do a better job than Billy LMFAO. Keep up the good work BCG, it will be nice to have another championship in the rafters. GO BIG BLUE

  22. Starbuckscoffee

    Everyone is mad cause Gillispie took a commitment from an 8th grader. That was a week a go now and we get the point move on.

    Since then Rajon and the Celts have beat the Cavs
    Gavin (Whitesox) almost threw a no hitter
    Zollo has committed
    4 new basketball recruits have heard from the cats
    Everyone is trying to get Tipton fired so seriously your living in the past dude.

  23. Spanish Radio

    Worst…post…ever…I guess they all can’t be gems.

  24. C-A-T-S

    I agree, they couldn’t find anything else to talk about.

    Zollo just committed

    Jarron Mayman has publically come out and said he loves UK and considers Coach Webster a family friend

    R. Sidney is seriously considering UK

    Hood is close to a committment

    We can still talk about Dominique Ferguson, there isn’t enough being said abotu how good this kid is.

    list goes on and on

  25. C-A-T-S

    I knew a Dukie running a UK fansite was too good to be true.

  26. goukcatsgo

    Terrific stuff. You truly understand dry humor. You should post multiple times!!!

  27. cobrecat

    Make fun if you want, this guy never stops and only wants to prove he can make the CATS the again the best!

  28. CAnTuckeeBoi

    I thought it was great, I am a huge Gillispie and UK fan, you guys are way too uptight. Take it with a grain of salt, signing eighth and ninth graders has always been a huge debate and noone on this site is saying BCG is anyless of a person for doing it. Some people (like me) think the cons of it outweigh the pros, but that doesn’t mean that we (I) don’t like the coach for doing it. Also if you are too uptight to think it is funny/weird/strange that our coach proclaimed that signing a freshman (top 7 recruit in INDIANA) as the best day of his life, then that is your opinion, but surely you are open minded enough to LISTEN to the way others think as well. Get off the bloggers back lets all enjoy the years to come. GO CATS!!!!

    P.S. You all know that if Bruce Pearl would have cried after getting hopson and proclaimed the best day of his life you would be all over it like flies on …. well you know.

  29. bigjas

    For once, a NTKW that actually made me laugh.

  30. CAnTuckeeBoi

    14.) \ These guys do a ton of things for us UK fans, just b/c there opinion differs from you
    22.) / def. does not give you the right to bash the site that the put together for those of us
    23.)/ who appreciate it. Keep up the good work guys.

  31. Butchy Dickless

    Priceless Mr. Show! Excellent job Tomlin.

  32. I'm Just Sayin

    28 say what you want, but you are in the minority for those that post regularly here.

  33. Matt Jones

    Brilliant Tomlin as usual.

  34. LeBowlingAlley

    We all have a right to be idiots…

  35. ChadBurton

    32, unfortunately youre true. there is a shortage of intelligence on these comments. thaks for pointing it out, you know, being one of the idiots and all.

  36. gorbe ye abi


  37. CAnTuckeeBoi

    32.) Sorry, what do I need to do to be put in the majority (You, not Chris Robbins, Splat, and Wolfezz.) Whatever it is I am sure it has something to do with jumping ship and hopping bandwagons. Its funny how the same people who can not let the OTS issue go are the same ones who get upset whe BCG and God are not used in the same sentence.

  38. kykat51

    Too many here do not understand dry humor.

  39. kykat51

    That’s the way I took it anyway.

  40. deWildcats

    I just returned from Oregon and a trip to Eugene to watch Katelyn So in a pick-up game, outdoor venue – say what you will but she’s the real deal. She was dropping the long ball over everyone!!!

  41. CAnTuckeeBoi

    Lets set the record straight. I love BCG i think hes the greatest thing since slice bread, he has great dedication, recruits well, gets his players attention, and I think he has all the coaching tools to win a national championship. HOWEVER, I am not so construed or obsessed for lack of better terms, that I think he does no wrong, and that he does not have room for improvement in some areas, b/c he does. He does a lot of things OTS didn’t do, but the same could be said the other way around. I just think some get too uptight and need to loosen up a little bit, it is kinda funny that a 51 year old man cried in front of a 14 year old recruit while telling him it was the best day of his life, I am not saying that he is any lesser of a person for doing it, just that it kinda weirded me out.

  42. I'm Just Sayin

    35 Way to keep the dialogue classy & question my intelligence all at once. Maybe you need to look in a mirror before blasting away. Did you read the long list of posters (and it wasn’t just three) yesterday who were a little perturbed by the change in tenor on this site. I like this site and enjoy coming to it, but again I all of the sudden feel like Mark Story is the editor here.

  43. Matt Jones

    There is no change in tenor of the site. Yesterday I made the point that I personally didnt have as much interest in recruiting on the young guys. I never said it wasnt a successful method.

    Today I made a joke.

    Both are valid posts. If you arent interested in reading them, then that is fine, but there is no “tenor change.”

  44. ChadBurton

    i think you mistook a large number of posts for a lot of people posting. really its just a couple of people taking things out of context and then commenting over and over like the world is gong to end. its really sucking the laid back and relaxed vibe away from the site.

  45. liveblueorfyou

    very funny read some of the other guys on here need to get a sense of humor

  46. cmbyrley

    Matt, you need to repost your rant against the comments section. Too many people on here don’t understand what they’re talking about, much less satire. Get a grip people and laugh a little. Tomlin, nice post, as always.

  47. Blue in the Vein

    Let up a little folks, I realize that we all take UK bball serious, but it is a slow time of the year and the guys are gonna post some crap just to give us something different to read. The important stuff makes it up as well. I think that if BCG reads this he’ll laugh too.

  48. jlee62279

    Didnt stymie sign with unc asheville…Kenny “stymie” George??

  49. The Truth

    IMO the only difference in this site, is you now have to sift through more crap, wait bad choice of word, You now have to sift through more articles like this one in order to get to the good stuff.

    Still a great site though.

  50. kykat51

    #48 Ditto…he would laugh his … off, just as I did when I read it. Heck yeah, I needed a good laugh this morning after dealing with my 15 year old grandson yesterday…whew! Spoiled rotten kid, via of my daughter. GEEZ

  51. goukcatsgo

    This post was great. It isn’t the “shock blogging” that beisner is employing I his posts… Good dry humor…

    Shock blogging-brainless….

    Dry-whitty and fun…

  52. Intern

    Sure this post seems all fun n’ games…that is until you read it backwards…

  53. Hiawatha

    I hate our fans

  54. kykat51

    Coach is emotional, but also a super human being.

    From Larry Vaught…another human interest story on Gillispie

  55. UKfaninAlabama

    You negative guys need to get laid or something. It was a JOKE!

  56. cat1

    UK Fan = never satisfied

  57. I'm Just Sayin

    Based on previous reads I figured my last comment would never stay long. Oh well..

  58. Ryan

    41. BCG is 48, not 51.

  59. CAnTuckeeBoi

    TRUE …. still freaks me out a little bit

  60. boots45

    Looks like Spanky not Stymie

  61. 05.07.08 Fast Breaks « Rush the Court

    […] Gillispie has his eye on a few more middle schoolers besides Michael Avery for the class of […]

  62. chuckmashburn

    Chris Tomlin, have you seen the Ronnie Dobbs musical from Mr Show? “Yall are brutilizing me”, I hate to say it but Ronnie Dobbs looks like a UK fan from Knox County.

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