Kentucky Sports Radio
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
[Moderated by Matt Jones]
Friends,
As some of you know, this space last week was used to get up close and personal with some of the mascots we’re used to seeing in the SEC. We’re pleased to present today part II of that illustrious series, soon to be released in limited engagement as part of Ken Burns’ documentary “SEC Mascots: Today, Tomorrow, Forever.”
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Team: University of Florida
Mascot: Albert and Alberta Gator
Long the mascot and number one suspect in a string of missing Jack Russell terriers in rural areas of the Sunshine State, Albert the Alligator exhibits distinctly mammalian qualities: fur, opposable thumbs, and a sweater. In 1986, when UF athletic department top brass detected a noticeable downward spiral in Albert’s behavior, which culminated in the reptile’s messy attempted impregnation of an assistant coach’s faux leather jacket, the school brought in Alberta — a female counterpart. Sadly, the two have since been unable to consummate their union as there are no zippers on their costumes.
Pros: Two sets of eyelids
Cons: Eats people.
Fun Fact: In 2007, Sports Illustrated ranked Albert number one in their “Mascot Power Rankings,” and he recently greenlit Meryl Streep’s “A Question of Mercy” for Paramount Pictures.
Team: The University of Kentucky
Mascot: I.: “The Wildcat”, II.: “Scratch”
If you’ve never seen a wildcat wearing a sparkly sequined jacket with tails before, you’ve obviously never been to a University of Kentucky basketball game or come face to face with your own mortality in an Arizona plains sweat lodge while pumped to the gills with peyote. UK’s original, nondescript mascot has long been a fan favorite, known only as “The Wildcat.” His partner in crime, the latter-added and loved-by-children “Scratch,” is more civilized, donning a fashionable hat. This, of course, means that when it rains, Scratch’s head becomes significantly less wet. This has been a long time point of contention for “The Wildcat,” to no avail with his higher-ups.
Pros: Self-grooming
Cons: Self-grooming
Fun Fact: “The Wildcat” was adopted in 1976 after being rescued from a home occupied by an old woman possessing 47 people dressed as cats.
Team: University of Arkansas
Mascot: The Razorbacks
Perhaps one of the only Division I schools to have an entire family functioning as a mascot, the Razorbacks consist of “Big Red,” the adult male, “Sue E,” the adult female, and “Pork Chop,” their child. The latter is currently at the center of a vicious and well-publicized custody battle, the details of which have revealed Sue’s longtime affair with Boss Hogg, the nine-foot inflatable mascot introduced by the university during the 1998-99 football season.
Pros: Brings home the BACON!
Cons: Is a real BOAR!
Fun Fact: Many Arkansas fans wear hats fashioned to look like a razorback head. These people are, largely, too old to look this ridiculous.
Team: University of Tennessee
Mascot: Smokey
Volunteer fans didn’t have to look around much to figure out what their mascot should be when they settled on the Bluetick Hound, which narrowly beat out “rabid bat” and “possum living in the attic.” It should be noted that the University is currently on “Smokey IX,” with Smokeys I-VIII meeting their demises at the hands of, respectively, a 1947 Hudson Pickup, a 1961 Dart, two Chevy Silverados, a Yukon Denali, a Pontiac Vibe and a Mayflower Moving Truck.
Pros: “Aww, he don’t bite.”
Cons: “Smokey! Git yer ass back in here!”
Fun Fact: Smokey spends his time off the field tied to the handle of a rusted 1973 Frigidaire in the front yard of the university.
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There you go, folks…look for the final installment next week. Until then, enjoy the following two short films which, I feel, truly illustrate the ups and downs of being a child.
That is all.
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December 5th, 2007 at 10:34 am
My Favorite masot is the BLOB from WKU. What the he!! is it anyway.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Hilarious stuff, Tomlin.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:38 am
My favorite Mascot is Stanford’s. THE MIGHTY TREE. C’mon guys did somebody’s three year old pick this one?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:39 am
When do we get a Legion update this morning?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:39 am
“noticeable downward spiral in Albert’s behavior, which culminated in the reptile’s messy attempted impregnation of an assistant coach’s faux leather jacket” lol!
another masterpiece, further confirming the idea that tomlin is the offspring of the illicit affair of Robin Williams and Ron White
December 5th, 2007 at 10:42 am
The family dog and boy have an interesting relationship - encouraged by a parent with a video recorder - very interesting family, do they live in a trailer?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:42 am
What about Tennessee’s other mascot, the Davy Crocket wannabe. Might be the only school (at least the only one I can think of) with two completely different mascots.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Tennessee fighting Davy Crockets/hound dogs or Alabama fighting Elephants. Which is worse?
December 5th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Boogergate has made it to eBaumsworld
December 5th, 2007 at 10:57 am
6. No that is David Shelton and his dog- they are real close and share everything.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Yeah #6 at what point does the dog thing turn from funny to disturbing?
I would say about 3 seconds into there should have been a, “get off him rusty!”
If that long. But then again I guess they can’t make that extra money on the side selling subscribtions to their family webstie.
http://www.hornyhounds.com
December 5th, 2007 at 11:23 am
#11 - thanks ands I agree … when does it become disturbing?
But, your link failed
December 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am
I’m still wondering who enjoyed that more……the little kid or the dog!?!?!?
YIKES!
December 5th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Matt, help please, I need a new thread re: Legion!!
December 5th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Why are we looking at mascots when Legion news is all thats important here?
Do we have to go read Marc Maggard’s “Well, I’m not saying he’s staying…..I’m not right or wrong…..I’m just telling you that I am being told he is staying”
Matt, from a legal standpoint, is it possible to make statements and completely remove yourself from blame if it turns out wrong? This is swindler talk I tells ya!
December 5th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Get a job 15.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Get a job 15 - if you can’t understand what MM said - then don’t try to read it, better yet - don’t go to his site. It solves your problem.
December 5th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
You see, I’m saying it, but I’m not saying it. That way, if it’s wrong, you can’t pile up evidence on how many times I was wrong, because, well, I didn’t say it.
December 5th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Hey 16 and 17, right now it seems approprite for you to point out that this is “serious business” here, 18 posts below a video where a dog is dryhumping a child.
My point is, stand behind your statements or don’t make them. I know Maggard gets sick of getting pointed out when he whiffs on an “insider” update, but, that’s not the way to prevent being called out. If he whiffs he whiffs, so what. He’s the one trying to make a name for himself, that means he should be man enough to take the criticism.
Scroll back up and finish watching the dryhumping boys, you might learn something.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Message to the person who shot the dog-on-kid video — put down the #$%#^& camera and help the kid!!! that dude will need some serious therapy when he’s older.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
My vote would have been “rabid bats” Funny stuff Tomlin.
December 12th, 2007 at 9:55 am
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